Day Of The Tentacle - Mixed Up American History

 Written by Morpheus Kitami

The past, colonial times. Alas, I am not the best student of American history and there are probably elements here I've missed, but I think I remember most of the common myths and ideas we'll be seeing here.

Ah, scenic 18th century America...

Hoagie has a can opener for some reason. Two boring facts, can openers first started being used long after the invention of the can, something which I suspect may be the purpose of it. Something I did not know is that the can did exist during the 18th century, but apparently the cans were of the type that would not work very well with our modern openers. Something about being thick. Meanwhile, did you ever hear about safety can openers? Instead of cutting open the top, they cut open the side in such a way to not create sharp edges.

I just feel like pointing that out since apparently a lot of people still use regular can openers, and there's just not any reason to. Although I admittedly don't know how the device compares to electric can openers and magnetic ones. I just know that you don't have to suffer.

Anyway, this is the The Adventurers Guild, not The Kitchen Guild. Hoagie can't enter bathrooms yet. They're locked. Guess people in the 18th century have people smoking opium in bathrooms much like people shoot up heroin in our time. Or something. So something I didn't realize ahead of time, each era is set at the same location. I'm surprised they went that way. A lot of time travel media forgets that it doesn't move across space too. It takes a cartoon to deal with that. I mean, if it was entirely realistic we'd see their bodies floating around in outer space...

That means the toilets are the sewage pipes, the car is a cruddy wagon, then the mummy is manning the inn's front desk, as talkative as ever, and down the grandfather clock to Red Edison. I wonder something though. Given the massive amount of Day of the Tentacle fan games, is there one where the dead cousin is alive? I also find a letter in a mailbox at this point.

A paper clip?

Red is a curmudgeon far beyond Fred's level, whining about his children, as they're not great inventors like him. His children are artists, and he thinks no more of his line will be inventors. Sounds about right, really. He makes fun of 3d glasses too. I'm sorry, am I supposed to dislike Red? I give him the plans, and he tells me to find the gold, oil and vinegar. Quick question, as my intelligence falls far beyond that of all other mortals, what kind of oil? Because I need specifics. Should I be harvesting the oils off Hoagie's face, pounding some olives or digging a giant hole?

In the meantime I look around the rest of the room. There's a lab coat I can't get since its only for Red's assistants, and the papers all over the board are unimportant. Hmm, you know, I have that help wanted sign, I should see if I can't flush it down the Chron-a-John. I don't know why I need a lab coat, but that's not important.

I note that as I walk back to the toilets, I see MEANWHILEs about Ben Franklin trying to discover electricity on a warm summer day, and of...uh...I don't recognize who they're supposed be, but I assume John Hancock and...John Adams? The nerdy guy seems like John Adams. I can't recall the appearance of John Hancock off-hand. If one of these people is supposed to be George Washington they did a poor job of it. Anyway, they're talking about an amendment to ensure the president is human. The guy who isn't the nerd says not to be silly.

Fun fact, vampires can't hold office, they're dead. They don't count as people because of this. I'm not joking. And...oh, wait a minute, I get what they might be trying to set up here!

Once Hoagie has come back to the toilets I move over to the present, and get another cutscene. Cutting practically to the moment after the plans got sent back to the past. Its just Fred telling us we need to find the diamond and then a cut to the future where Laverne is still stuck in a tree, wishing she wasn't there. It could be worse. It could be a lot worse.

The plan works, now to explore the rest of the house.

Two of these people are on money, so its not like they have an excuse for not making a good image of them

The convention hall is occupied by a constitution convention. A bizarre joke, but certainly convenient enough to get all our favorite founding fathers here. Uh...John Hancock, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington. I see the artist was not a skilled caricaturist. Considering that historical accuracy was basically an afterthought this makes sense. There's also a suggestion box, a time capsule, the consitution, a golden quill and...a log here. None of which I can really do anything with, though Hoagie notes the constitution is unfinished.

I realize some time later that the quill might just be what I need to give to Red. Guess that makes sense.

Going from left to right, I first talk to John Hancock. I note his characterization and voice is very wimpy. Of the founding fathers, Hancock is a figure we Americans think of the least, he's just known for his signature. To give a John Hancock is to write your signature. Because his was very big. Which here he apparently does because he thinks it'll impress girls. A comment the manual notes would probably get you in trouble with a teacher. It's as good a reason as the supposedly "real" ones. Hancock should have been married at the time of the constitution's writing. His children would...uh...hey, look, a talking horse!

Isn't it weird? What kind of weird game has a talking horse? He even has a set of dentures. Guess I have to get those somehow and give them to George Washington. For some reason this guy reminds me of someone I heard in a Humoungous Entertainment game. A lot of voice actors in this remind me of that. Either they shared voice actors or the effect they were trying to make was fairly easy to imitate.

Anyway, Hancock is cold, but Jefferson won't start a fire because he wants to save the log he has for a time capsule. If either of those things are a reference to something, I've never heard it. I guess I need to find some items that Jefferson wants for a time capsule, then light a fire so Hancock doesn't freeze to death.

Jefferson in contrast is a more formal, stuffy type. Really doesn't say anything you couldn't have gotten from Hancock, just that he needs the log for posterity. And something about how George Washington was fine that winter at Valley Forge. Which if you don't know was a military camp that American troops fell back to following the outbreak of the Civil War and the loss of Philadelphia. For about half a year they regrouped and retrained despite poor supplies and conditions, generally came out okay. I note that with both Jefferson and Washington, Hoagie recognizes them, and they acknowledge their fame.

Washington is pompous. Which is very much in contrast his real life image, which ranges between stern but fair to one of the greatest men who ever lived. Dialog with Washington mostly goes over the usual myths. That Washington had wooden teeth. (in actuality, stealing them from a horse is probably more accurate than wooden) Interestingly, rather than talking about damaging his father's cherry tree, he talks about the family business of chopping down cherry trees. I can ask him to chop down a tree, but he only does it to cherry trees. But there's nothing out there but cedar and kumquats. Clearly, I need some paint to paint the Kumquats red.

Fun fact, kumquats cannot exist in North America at this time. Come to think of it, I can't remember being able to buy those anywhere. I've seen more lychee around than kumquats. Both are Asian fruit originally, but kumquats at least have been transplanted to countries outside of Asia. In kumquats defense, I've only seen lychee around because its canned and made into candy, nobody cares enough to do that to kumquat here.

Well, I'll have to come back here whenever I have some idea of what it is I can use. Where the diner and laundry rooms were are now a kitchen and...uh...cleaning room. They're full of items I'm sure I can put to use. The cleaning has a bucket and a brush. Which, when I'm in the kitchen, I can fill the former with water in a neat little animation. The kitchen contains oil, answering my question, and spaghetti. If I examine it, Hoagie says he likes to nosh on raw spaghetti. Funnily enough, this doesn't seem to be fiction, I know of at least one person who does it, well, ramen, anyway. No idea if they're influenced by the game. I note that depending on the kind of pasta this might get you sick, because uncooked flour can contain e coli. Its not the eggs that make you sick in uncooked cookie dough, its the flour. I wouldn't crack open an egg and eat it raw though.

Upstairs, in the rented rooms, we first have George Washington's bedroom, with the sign "George Sleeps Here" above it. This is a reference to how a lot of historical places in the colony area have signs on them that state "George Washington slept here". Which, to quote Yakov Smirnoff "is how he became the father of his country". In actuality, he just travelled a lot. I'm not really sure what's supposed to be so special about this even if its true, unless it hasn't been washed since he slept there. In which case, ew. The only puzzle this room seems to be related to is how Hoagie can mess up George's bed, ring for the maid and then steal a bar of soap off her cart. I sense a poop joke coming.

Is Boris Vallejo available?

The middle room contains Betsy Ross, the much vaunted originator of the classic flag design of 13 stars in a circle and the stripes of white and red. (and also that the flag has 5 pointed stars instead of 6 pointed stars, but who pays any attention to that?) Much like everything else that this game has mentioned this tends towards the tall tale side, but comedic adventure games probably wouldn't work well with something like Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben teaching the continental army how to fight or Casimir Pulaski saving George Washington's life. Probably because there isn't an interesting story about how Pulaski damaged a cherry tree.

Betsy is more or less done with the fickle founding fathers and their changing designs, instead wishing to be done with the flag. After a few jokes, she tells me put whatever the final design is on the table. A puzzle that doesn't really sound like much of one, but I guess I'll find some imitation of the original flag somewhere. Possibly in a time capsule. 

Finally, we have Franklin's room. He's not in right now and all I can interact with is a bottle of wine, Chateau du Cheapaux 1775. I wonder how this joke goes in foreign lands. A joke about cheap swill having a fancy name, not merely something already setting your expectations low like five buck chuck.

Third floor, and outside of the horse, there's an artist's room. (Wait, why is a horse on the third floor?) We have Ned and Jed, artists and sculptors. Hoagie says "Which one of you is stuffed and which one of you is the Real McCoy", a reference to the now forgotten western TV series The Real McCoys. It's cultural footprint now solely exists as weird references like this and one Siouxsie and the Banshees song where its described as some bizarre horror show where people get tortured and then look strangely at the screen. You're probably more likely these days to hear someone talking about Branded or The Virginian than that.

Anyway, I can't really say anything to them and they don't really seem to have a purpose as of yet. Though I note that the statue they're carving is the one Edna has in her office. And that I can pick up the right handed hammer, but doing anything causes the guy sculpting to ask me to give it back.

Someone's been sleeping in my bed...

The antic, in contrast to the present, is actually useful. Red paint, and a puzzle. A cat is playing with a squeaky mouse toy, and a nearby bed which squeaks whenever Hoagie sits on it. The cat moves when Hoagie does so. I just need something that makes the bed move on its own. And to figure out where I needed to put the paint. The roof is much the same as the last floor, except that the window that was formerly closed is the one Hoagie exits, and the one B-man could enter is locked. Down the chimney and I've seen everything.

I can give Jefferson the wine. Apparently that's still not enough to get the log. Greedy fellow. I wonder, since this time capsule is to be opened in 400 years hence, and Laverne is 200 years in the future from our time...and wine turns into vinegar, does that mean this bottle is one I'm going to give to Red later? If so, bold choice. And yes, I know that wine doesn't technically turn into vinegar. After all, rich people have cellars full of stuff made when Roman times or something and obviously they wouldn't do that if it just tasted like vinegar. Although...you never know...

Now that I've gone through the house...I'm not clear on what I should do. Clearly I need to send around some items, but what? The coffee's out, although this is a cartoon so logic need not apply. Hamster's out. At the very least I can tell that this puzzle does not involve flushing him down the toilet. I come to the conclusion that since the salesman in the future needs validation from someone and a letter I picked up in the past says for someone to come to Baltimore immediately, I should try giving him the letter.

Doesn't this take place in 1990? That's not an election year!

This works, getting me the gag gun, which I can replace the gun lighter with, no new puzzle required to distract the dude. Then I ask him for a cigar and boom...or not boom, I have the cigar. Not sure what I need the cigar for...and the lighter might be a mystery depending on how the log thing goes.

I noted after the last cutscene that Dr. Fred Edison is now in the basement, constantly drinking coffee. I try just giving him decaf, expecting to be rebuffed...only to have it work and he just sleepwalks off. Huh. Can't do anything though, because whenever I try looking at him in the office, B-man doesn't say anything about the combination. While I can look through a camera in the security, Edna prevents me from seeing what the combination is. No idea how I'm going to deal with her.

Wandering around again, I examine the windshield, and discover a clue. Rather than just washing the car to see what's inside, apparently washing something causes rain. And then I realize it's the cart in the past. I don't know what good that is, but whatever. I continue to wander around in the present a while before switching back to the past. You know, where is Ben Franklin? There's no field as far as I can tell? Oh, it's to the right of the outhouses...I guess, since that's the only place it could be.

Is this a joke about uranium?

I find it moderately annoying the way his location is set up. You have to walk to the right on the screen just outside the inn. You would never figure this out without the little MEANWHILE going on. Yeah, it does fix the problem, but it feels like a problem that shouldn't exist. And it's here that I realize something. Holy, crap, this guy is the exploding cigar guy. That explains why nobody looks like how they should look, they [cleverly | lazily] reused assets and voice actors from the present in the past. Hancock is the guy who tried to kill himself. Not sure about anyone else.

Anyway, Franklin doesn't really help me, just the realization that I have another puzzle I haven't a clue yet how to solve. He goes on and on about how Red is a terrible inventor and how he's a genius whose going to harness the power of the heavens or something. I need rain, the question is, what the heck am I going to wash to get it to rain? Oh, right, Franklin is said to be the discoverer of electricity, using a key attached to a kite in a thunderstorm to discover it. I don't think that's quite right, but his experiments on the subject were of immense importance in the early days of the field to my understanding.

Well, for once I know exactly what I have to do. I have Hoagie go over to the cart to wash it...and Franklin goes inside the house like a little bitch. He doesn't want to get rained on. Now's a great time to mention that during the war he was off in France sucking up to rich, fat, elderly noblewomen. Right...now what? I figure the labcoat, since Hoagie said it worked more like a raincoat, should be given to Franklin so he won't be such a little bitch...and he's cutting it up to make a kite. Go figure.

But this is enough to make Franklin brave the dangerous storm...or something. I can't even see any rain. This is a neat little sequence in which the player has to time a push of the kite to make it fly, but for now there's really no point. I don't have anything that would be useful in this situation, nothing metal I can actually use. I'd be annoyed if it was the can opener, but I hope I have to find a key or something made out of metal that can fit in the convenient pocket the new kite has.

As I walk back to the inn, I realize what it was I forgot. The kumquats. Hoagie paints it...and nothing happens, except that they're red. I expected George Washington to come running out of the house screaming "CHERRY TREES!" before going to town on the tree. Instead I have to walk into the inn, convince him he's a loser who couldn't chop down anything, and then he cuts down the tree.

I feel like the look on her face would be better if her eyes didn't always look like that

This cuts back to the future, where Laverne is now talking to a purple tentacle trying to go for the look of a stereotypical nature lover, but seems more to my mind as a big game hunter. The purple tentacle doesn't understand that Laverne is not up there by choice...and then the tree disappears and she falls head first into the ground. Did we really need to see her underwear?

Back in the present, I can't take the tree. I can't do anything. This basically didn't work out the way I expected, though I now have access to the entire game. Well, let's see how Laverne has it.

Ah, the tentacle version of an animal shelter

...and she's in prison. Or something. I don't know and neither does Laverne. The guard has a look that's a cross between a British bobby and a Soviet soldier. This is some pretty good stuff. "Damn that Dr. Fred." and one of the fellow prisoners says "Hey, she knows the Edison family motto." Well, this isn't going to be a problem, Laverne has a scalpel and that tentacle is going to be filleted from...uh...top to bottom. Or not, because Laverne has an agreement with her therapist. Meanwhile she says she can't kill the old man...yet, or she can't kill her fellow inmates because she doesn't know them yet. I guess I need a little bit more finesse than just stabbing everyone.

Of course if I try walking out of the cell, Laverne gets zapped. Wonder how strong it is, because she practically blinks it off. Yeah, Hoagie's real tough taking 30k volts to the skull after being knocked unconscious.

This does raise some interesting questions about the plot of this game that I'm sure nobody cares about. Like how did Purple Tentacle clone himself? Isn't it a bad idea to have a time machine next to a group of psychotic creatures who already rule over the world? And something about time travel nobody cares about because it would ruin every time travel story ever.

Also, something that I know the authors didn't care about, clones and their lifespan. Let's say you're thirty, and I make a clone of you. If you die of natural causes when you're ninety, the clone isn't going to die at ninety, it's going to die at sixty. You know, unless you run it over with your car or something. I was looking up the lifespan of starfish, since I guess that's the closest thing to what Purple Tentacle is, and apparently their lifespan depends on their size.  So its very much possible for these to be the original's clones. Or he just found a way to do whatever it is Dr. Fred did before the original game. I'm sure the thought process here was basically "There are now a bunch of purple tentacles around. No one in thirty years time is going to care about this crap, let's get lunch". Anyway, I'll deal with this next time.

Bernard's inventory: Textbook, flyer, a dime, correctional fluid, bank book, disappearing ink, funnel, coffee, decaf, hamster, stamp, lighter, cigar
Hoagie's inventory: Can opener, patent plans, brush, bucket with soapy water, spaghetti, red paint
Laverne's inventory: Scalpel

This Session: 1 hour 20 minutes
Total Time: 2 hours 45 minutes

Note Regarding Spoilers and Companion Assist Points: There's a set of rules regarding spoilers and companion assist points. Please read it here before making any comments that could be considered a spoiler in any way. The short of it is that no points will be given for hints or spoilers given in advance of me requiring one. Please...try not to spoil any part of the game for me...unless I really obviously need the help...or I specifically request assistance. In this instance, I've not made any requests for assistance. Thanks!